Are You the Happy Parent?

Happy father with daughter

It turns out, what we bring to parenting impacts our happiness in parenting. That may not be a surprise result of psychological research, but grasping the idea can make a difference in your approach to your job as parent.

As my children are older, I’m honest with them about how difficult parenting can be. I don’t want them to have unrealistic expectations, if they decide to be parents, but I also don’t want them to block all desire to be parents. It’s a hard job—and the hard job is worth it. My 14-year old son is less likely to just accept such talk now, so I decided to dig into the research to figure out if I could tell him how the ideas of “hard job” and “worth it” could go together.

The research turns out to be fascinating—and not at all simple.

I’ve been writing about paths toward happiness with our children over the past month: cultivating compassion, grateful kids, and teaching mindfulness for self control. All of that addresses helping our children to ground their own happiness, though. What about your happiness as a parent?

A study published earlier this year asked “when, why, and how is parenthood associated with more or less well-being?” Studies that ask a simple question of “Are parents more or less happy than non-parents” contradict one another. This study (Nelson et al.) reviewed studies to ask the more nuanced question. Their review finds a complex relationship between parenting and happiness.

“We propose that parents are unhappy to the extent that they encounter relatively greater negative emotions, magnified financial problems, more sleep disturbance, and troubled marriages. By contrast, when parents experience greater meaning in life, satisfaction of their basic needs, greater positive emotions, and enhanced social roles, they are met with happiness and joy” (Nelson et al.).

What the parent brings to parenting can make the difference. The Berkeley Greater Good Science Center broke down the links to happiness, as outlined in the study, in age, gender, parenting style, and emotional bonds. Though there are still questions to be asked in more research, it is quite clear from long research that attachment leads to secure adults. If we are the parents are not secure in our attachments, though,

For us, that could mean that

“parents who do not feel secure in relationships seem to be more susceptible to declines in their relationship with their spouse during the transition to parenthood” (Nauman).

The review study (Nelson) looked at that transition to parenthood as a particularly important time. That is the phase many of our customers are going through as they meet us to talk about baby stuff, but we always understand that their underlying needs are much bigger than a cloth diaper or a pair of socks. We try to address the immediate needs as well as the deeper needs.

If you are interested in a review of the review, I suggest you read the full article at the Greater Good Science Center for an outline of factors in well-being and characteristics of those parents found to have greater well-being.

The conclusion may seem obvious that parents who know what they are getting into are more likely to find happiness in their parenting.

It’s important to know, as well, that

“happy parents often mean happy kids: Research has shown that happier parents engage in more positive parental behaviors and also influences positive outcomes in their children, like their child’s motivation, achievement, and relationships with peers.” (Nauman)

It’s worth finding your happiness in parenting. It does matter for the happiness of your children.

Resources

S. Katherine Nelson, Kostadin Kushlev, Sonja Lyubomirsky, “The pains and pleasures of parenting: When, why, and how is parenthood associated with more or less well-being?” Psychological Bulletin, Vol 140(3), May 2014, 846-895.

Emily Nauman, “What Makes a Happy Parent?” August 19, 2014.

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Wool Slippers: DIY or Buy

Padraig wool slippers

 

Three weeks. That’s plenty of time to crochet a pair of wool slippers for a family member. Pick up the hook and start now!

Every year, no matter what else changes, we give slippers as a holiday gift. I try to make them different each year. I have piles and piles of leftover wool, so I have my eyes on making simple wool slippers this year.

Do-it-yourself, but Start Now!

Your local yarn store can help you find the wool yarn and the wool slippers pattern. A lot of local yarn shops will not only sell you the yarn and the hook to crochet or needles to knit but teach you how to use them. Many have open times when you can just drop by and sit around knitting and crocheting, asking others for pointers along the way. It’s a busy season, and you will have a great time sharing your last-minute making with others.

Just to get you started, I poked around for a quick pattern and found a super simple pattern on MommyKnows.com for felted, crocheted slippers (Norwegian house slippers). I like this pattern because she explains why she made the choices she did, then she gives you a lot of links and videos to figure out what will work for you. No one-size-fits-all pattern here. If you can make squares then sew the squares together into wool origami, you can make these slippers in a few evenings plus a couple of wash loads to felt them.

Two weeks—no problem.

If you are a knitter, dig into the pattern at MommyKnows.com to find the knit version of the pattern that she used.

OK. Get moving. Pick up your yarn now.

Quick, I Just Want to Order Wool Slippers

Kids wool slippers by Padraig

Not interested, no time, don’t know how to knit or crochet? We’ve got you covered. At bynature.ca we sell the Original Padraig crocheted wool slippers, handmade in Canada since 1977. Every pair is slightly different.

 

We carry a big variety of colors in all sizes from newborn and baby slippers to youth and adult sizes. Drop by to pick out just the right pairs for your family members, or order wool slippers online at bynature.ca.

Padraig wool slippers

Teaching Children Mindfulness for Self Control

Mindfulness for Children

Have you wondered how to teach your child those inner skills that will make life a lot easier—skills like controlling one’s own responses to outside stimuli. Research shows that yoga and mindfulness for children helps them gain that self-awareness they need to control their own behavior.

Delayed Gratification Studies with Children

My father studied psychology in college. He didn’t live long enough to experiment on me, but I have heard funny stories from my older cousins about tests they remember.

My dad was on the young end of his family. He hung out often with his siblings and their families of young children. He was a favorite because he really talked to the kids. He interacted with them. He was genuinely curious how they worked.

One of my cousins told me a few years ago about the time that my dad gave him a candy bar when he visited. My cousin was about 8 years old at the time. There was no catch. He could eat the candy bar right then if he wanted. There was a potential bonus, though. If he could wait to eat it until my dad came back again, he would get two candy bars he could eat right then.

“Did you wait?” I asked him.

“Of course,” he said.

He said my dad taught him self control with that one test.

Could it really be that simple?

The test most commonly referred to when discussing delayed gratification in children is the Stanford Marshmallow Test, but that didn’t occur until the late 1960s and early 1970s. My dad was conducting his test about 1961, so it was probably based on tests published in the late 1950s, since he had died before the Standford tests. Just based on the detail of my cousin’s story and the similarity to the marshmallow and earlier tests, it sounds like there might have been a lot of poking around looking for the origins of self control.

The Stanford tests followed the children to learn that those who resisted the marshmallows had better academic achievement and fewer behaviors considered problematic to parents and schools.

How Can We Help Our Children?

Back to today and our gentle parenting of our own children, how can we teach them self control? If our children are those who eat the marshmallow right away, what can we do to help them?

That is the question asked in an article at the Greater Good Science Center: “What can we do to help the children who just can’t resist the marshmallows?” The answer was published last year in the Journal of Child and Family Studies: “Enhancing Preschoolers’ Self-regulation Via Mindful Yoga” (October 2013).

Teaching the children awareness in the moment resulted in less impulsive behavior and longer attention for classroom activities (compared to students who didn’t participate in the yoga and mindfulness program). Those who experienced the biggest change had started out with the weakest skills in self-regulation. There were no differences at home between the two groups, though.

We can see that self-awareness and consciousness in the moment can help a child to regulate behavior. It won’t work the same for every child, but it can help a child develop skills for dealing calmly with the difficulties they meet.

To help your child learn self control, cultivate self awareness, mindfulness. Talk about this self awareness to keep the practice in consciousness.

To put mindfulness into practice with your children, follow the “Tips for Teaching Mindfulness to Kids” from the Great Good Science Center.

Loving-kindness Meditation for Compassionate Kids

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It’s Time to Talk about Stuff, Again

Child in a messy room

Have you noticed tiny piles of useless stuff gathering in your child’s drawers? It comes from somewhere, and now, just before Christmas, is the time to determine how to avoid this stuff that never quite leaves, if avoid is what you want to do.

Over the years, we’ve revisited often the topic of stuff, wasteful junk that we acquire without really needing it.

Less stuff isn’t just about less stuff, though it is so much nicer to live in a clean space without all of the junk. Less stuff means

  • fewer resources up front to make the stuff,
  • less expense to buy the stuff, and
  • less waste once we throw the stuff away.

Our Latest Story of Stuff

Earlier this year, my family did a 30-day Eco Habits Challenge to reduce, reuse, and recycle. It worked. Our surroundings felt lighter. The daily expectation to make change helps us focus.

My daughter decided we needed a de-stuff challenge, so we spent the past month going through the corners and drawers of the house we inherited from my mother. It turned out that most of the junk we got rid of was plastic kids’ toys. I thought I hadn’t even let those junky little toys into the house, but they kept sneaking in through Christmas stockings, birthdays, gifts, Scholastic sales, and such.

Everything that could be used by someone else was donated, but piles then bags of this stuff was just broken beyond repair and non-recyclable.

Seeing all of this junk of childhood build up even for children I thought were focused on simple, natural toys reminded me again how important it is not to get caught up in stuff we don’t need, stuff we won’t use, and stuff that will just break quickly.

I’m so glad that my children were able to let go of this stuff so easily. They decided what stayed and what went. Everyone had a veto on getting rid of junk, and everyone was generous in agreeing to one another’s choices. They kept the books, toys, and clothes that meant the most to them, but they didn’t worry about letting go. It’s not always easy for everyone to let go, so I’m relieved they won’t be hoarders. I hope they will be able to let go of the ideas, emotions, and incidents of life when it’s time to start clean as well.

As the season of buying and giving stuff is upon us, focus on genuine needs, buy what will last as long as you will need it, and give consumable or non-material gifts to your family and friends.

Spread the good cheer. We all need that.

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How to Raise a Grateful Child

Child at Bedtime

We want our children to recognize and appreciate what others do for them, what they have. We want to raise grateful children.

Science shows us how.

Beyond the appreciation and recognition we give to others through our gratitude, research shows that gratitude is one of those active ingredients in happiness that we have within our control. Recognizing a feeling of gratitude within ourselves and choosing to express it to others is a specific action we take that grows happiness.

For children, especially for adolescents (and I write as the parent of two teenagers, so I’m really writing about my own children), there will be tough times ahead. Even those of us who had happy childhoods met challenges.

Research on gratitude for children suggests greater happiness, optimism, satisfaction, and engagement for pre-teens and teens who are grateful. The concept and the research aren’t so squishy as they might seem.

What I find exciting about research like this is the clear road. Intuitively, we probably realize that it’s better for us to be grateful than to be ungrateful. Quantify and analyze that gratitude, and we find that happiness and its associated effects are largely in our own hands. For children who might feel like life is out of their control, grasping their own power and responsibility is huge.

Habit of Gratitude for Children

As soon as you start talking to your children, from the first day, you can model gratitude. Tell your child what you are grateful for. Once your child can talk, ask what they are grateful for. Make gratitude and expression of gratitude to others a habit in your lives together.

Positive attracts positive. Positive creates the expectation of positive. Positive builds a pattern of looking for more positive. When we express gratitude and encourage our children to express gratitude, we set those patterns of positivity for our children.

One way to build a habit of gratitude for children is to ask at bedtime what your child’s three good things are. This idea is from Christine Carter’s video “Gratitude 365.”

In their book, Making Grateful Kids, researchers Jeffrey Froh and Giancome Bono suggest 32 strategies to encourage gratitude based on seven essential themes.

  1. Model and teach gratitude
  2. Spend time with your kids and be mindful when with them
  3. Support your child’s autonomy
  4. Use kids’ strengths to fuel gratitude
  5. Help focus and support kids to achieve intrinsic goals
  6. Encourage helping others and nurturing relationships
  7. Help kids find what matters to them

For more details on the seven essential themes, see “Seven Ways to Foster Gratitude in Kids” at the Greater Good Science Center or read the book, Making Grateful Kids.

Resources

Jeffrey J. Froh and Giancome Bono, Making Grateful Kids: The Science of Building Character, Templeton Foundation Press, 2014.

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